Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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