never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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