Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize