Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Floor bacon is actually really good
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