I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
