there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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