She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
