Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
