Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
