i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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