I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
