sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
