I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
