Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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