Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize