I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
