he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
