we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
