It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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