He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
