If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
