What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cut my penus on the lid.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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