Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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