By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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