But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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