I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
50% drunk capacity currently
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
