just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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