Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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