When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
