I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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