I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
