How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
