A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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