the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Where is the hickey?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
the raccoons are back...
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