Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
