Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Randomize
