shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
