just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize