I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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