The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
