Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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