woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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