Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
