guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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