So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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