If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
