Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
