people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize