So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
