Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
