I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
