if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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