Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
