Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
two words: eviction party
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
