How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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