this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
