Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
