pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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