Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
