If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
