somebody snuck up and got me drunk
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
