Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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