he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
pray to the hookup gods
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
