I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
