Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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